I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
