But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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