Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
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