oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
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