Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Randomize
