sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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