If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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