Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
