When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
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