Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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