just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
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