he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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