Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
