You're a womanizer and a bitch.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
