it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Boobs speak an international language.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
