Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
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this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
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The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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