ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Randomize
