just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
