Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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