Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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