Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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