Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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