My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
