you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
You are a genius and a whore.
Randomize
