He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
