So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
