just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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