And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
