I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
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