I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
