i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
He passed out mid-signature
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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