I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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