The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
