How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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