I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Randomize
