Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
