his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
