so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
