I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
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