I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
