my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Randomize
