Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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