I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
