you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Randomize
