Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
