I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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