is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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