My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
