No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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