i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Houston, we have a squirter
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
