I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
