i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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