did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
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