Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
We had to coat check the pizza.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
