I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
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