I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Randomize
