We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
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and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
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I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
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