I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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