My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
