I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
You pole danced in your parka.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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